Your writing is absolutely sublime. One of the best things about substack is you can wander about, and suddenly find a mind that can write this well - that has a life you'll never know, that opens a window that you can look through; that gives you a line you have to stop and read again and again; that paints a picture that might be true or might not be true might just be a meld of all the films you ever saw - and never mind that it is a beautifully written and paced narrative, its also screaming with intelligence, vision and understanding. Best non-fiction I have read on here in a long while, and if it was actually fiction, then ...of course - the very best fiction.
Thank you so much for this lovely note, and I will add that it is very much non-fiction! Usually I write about recent experiences at the club. I only change names to respect people’s privacy. Also, I don't know who Victor is or what he wrote but I appreciate your response to him LOLSOB
The contrast of what women "believe" of their boyfriends versus who their boyfriends present as when with a sex worker is always interesting. Ladies fool themselves. I can hardly believe anymore that these women don't know.
Thanks for reading and engaging with my writing! Your comment is making me think about how much you can learn about a man's character from how he treats sex workers. It's like, hey ladies, are you worried your boyfriend actually deep down thinks you're an object? Just bring him to a strip club! I really feel for the women who get fooled though because I've been fooled by men so many times in my life, and it's extraordinarily painful to realize someone you trusted doesn't think of you as fully human. I experienced being a disposable prop for men's pleasure long before I ever made money off it, and if I'm being really honest with myself, only now do I refuse to serve that role for free. Does that make sense? Very curious to learn more about how sex work has changed your view on relationships, if you feel like sharing 🩷
I can not LOVE your response enough!! Yes on all that, mama. Especially the refusing to serve that role for free. Do not, will not. I have been fooled, like most, and sex work definitely changed that for me- its as though I got a peek behind the curtain, you know? The empathy and understanding I was extending in relationships with men, I realized, was often unwarranted. Im with you in regards to feeling for women in that regard and also I love the idea of the strip club being a litmus test for women in relationships with men! Perfect. I think sex work has changed my view in that Im not a romantic. I lead with logic. I treat romance/intimate connection like men do in that I make sure Im getting my needs met first and foremost. Men have this wonderful innate sense of entitlement (especially in regards to women)- I own that entitlement now too. Its the best. My mama always told me "live like a man". And I do in regards to emotion and connection. Happier this way, healthier this way.
Thank you so much for sharing! So true about the entitlement, I’ve always heard the saying to act with the “confidence of a mediocre white men” and there’s really something to that. Part of my piece is grappling with how cishet men and women who cling to a gender mold are denying themselves parts of themselves, so they fill the void in other ways. I have also exchanged my wholeness for parts, giving people all of me, until I’m parts myself. So I would love to see men connect more with their emotions and our human vulnerability. You’re saying the same in the inverse, I think, that women can access a certain nonchalant power men are socialized into from jump. I totally see that, like the heel I joke about as phallic weapon. I wonder too if that power is also or more a refusal to perform a certain kind of cishet femininity that is itself disempowering, ultimately self-destructive in its selflessness. I love the dommy mommy vibe because it combines confidence and power with emotional intelligence and care.
In all of your writings, and especially this one, I love how you weave together a dozen or more ideas and stories and texts. The way your mind works is magic 🪄
I have nothing profound to add to this piece but your perspective on the election is refreshing and writing is so so great. Existing in the liberal echo chambers of the university makes the real world feel like a far away fantasy where institutional violence and marginalization of real people is something to be discussed in structured classrooms with other privileged individuals also disconnected from the general public. Really great stuff
Reading this was the most visceral experience I’ve had of the club since I left. It somehow made me miss it without the rose-colored glasses I’m usually wearing when I get nostalgic. You are such a thoughtful, compelling, and inspiring writer. Always rooting for you!
I went to reply to this lovely comment and ended up checking to see if I had missed any of your recent posts and love loved them!! Grateful for your words 🧡
Thank you for sharing this. I am awestruck by the very, very unique intelligence you possess. A very authentic to you kind of intelligence. A kind dripping in creative genius with just enough jolting of truth to hold together the structure of your beautifully crafted story.
I am furious on your behalf that you leave the club in the red on any night!
Wow thank you so much 😭😭😭 What a lovely compliment. And leaving in the red happens rarely, thank goodness, but when it does I have a hard time not having a sob on the floor uncontrollably moment.
Well when it does happen imagine you are surrounded by women with eyes of fire…because you are. Your work and message is really, really important. You know and understand things a psychologist or marriage counselor never would.
"I like being alone. I’m not sure I like the idea of being alone forever, or dying alone. I’m not sure if it’s the being alone part or the dying part that makes me uneasy. Sometimes, in my solitary life this past year, I feel envious of friends with lovers or partners or children or close-knit families. I wonder what it feels like to be constantly surrounded by love, in a literal sense. I wonder what is wrong with me for not knowing that feeling. I fear I will never know that feeling."
Oof! That was a vulnerable moment for me as a writer, but ultimately I decided to keep it because my hope was that others who feel similarly might feel less alone in that aloneness <3
I am also glad that you kept that paragraph, vulnerable, yes, but so definitive for no doubt so many of us. I am at the other end of the spectrum so to speak, being 66 and never having been a stripper or a sex worker but I’ve come back around to being a solitary person for the most part. I watch my brothers with their families and grandchildren and comfortable nice homes and wonder what it feels like.
When I first saw this comment it was truncated so I read “I kind of regret reading this before I turn the lights out” and my first thought was oh no!! Not you having nightmares of me “hovering,” “disembodied,” offering you “my parts” 🙀🤣
Hahah! That was such an interesting way to read that. It was all good. A cyclone hit last night so my mind was more focused on “if that giant fir tree falls on me then no one will be able to look after my dogs”. Anyway it’s still a great article and I’m sure I’ll be thinking about it throughout my shift.
Oh dear, well, that was my first not final thought, because apparently I’m very worried about giving people nightmares with my spectral metaphors LOLSOB. I hope you and your doggies are doing okay in the wake of the cyclone ❤️
After getting your cats UTI taken care of...give him wet food, maybe mixed with a little water or boxed/canned milk. Being desert animals they don't drink enough....
Your writing is absolutely sublime. One of the best things about substack is you can wander about, and suddenly find a mind that can write this well - that has a life you'll never know, that opens a window that you can look through; that gives you a line you have to stop and read again and again; that paints a picture that might be true or might not be true might just be a meld of all the films you ever saw - and never mind that it is a beautifully written and paced narrative, its also screaming with intelligence, vision and understanding. Best non-fiction I have read on here in a long while, and if it was actually fiction, then ...of course - the very best fiction.
Thank you so much for this lovely note, and I will add that it is very much non-fiction! Usually I write about recent experiences at the club. I only change names to respect people’s privacy. Also, I don't know who Victor is or what he wrote but I appreciate your response to him LOLSOB
Nick, you said what I was thinking, thank you
great minds!😎
Single channel! 🤣❤️
Victor you are a despicable grifting shit weasel.
The contrast of what women "believe" of their boyfriends versus who their boyfriends present as when with a sex worker is always interesting. Ladies fool themselves. I can hardly believe anymore that these women don't know.
Thanks for reading and engaging with my writing! Your comment is making me think about how much you can learn about a man's character from how he treats sex workers. It's like, hey ladies, are you worried your boyfriend actually deep down thinks you're an object? Just bring him to a strip club! I really feel for the women who get fooled though because I've been fooled by men so many times in my life, and it's extraordinarily painful to realize someone you trusted doesn't think of you as fully human. I experienced being a disposable prop for men's pleasure long before I ever made money off it, and if I'm being really honest with myself, only now do I refuse to serve that role for free. Does that make sense? Very curious to learn more about how sex work has changed your view on relationships, if you feel like sharing 🩷
I can not LOVE your response enough!! Yes on all that, mama. Especially the refusing to serve that role for free. Do not, will not. I have been fooled, like most, and sex work definitely changed that for me- its as though I got a peek behind the curtain, you know? The empathy and understanding I was extending in relationships with men, I realized, was often unwarranted. Im with you in regards to feeling for women in that regard and also I love the idea of the strip club being a litmus test for women in relationships with men! Perfect. I think sex work has changed my view in that Im not a romantic. I lead with logic. I treat romance/intimate connection like men do in that I make sure Im getting my needs met first and foremost. Men have this wonderful innate sense of entitlement (especially in regards to women)- I own that entitlement now too. Its the best. My mama always told me "live like a man". And I do in regards to emotion and connection. Happier this way, healthier this way.
Thank you so much for sharing! So true about the entitlement, I’ve always heard the saying to act with the “confidence of a mediocre white men” and there’s really something to that. Part of my piece is grappling with how cishet men and women who cling to a gender mold are denying themselves parts of themselves, so they fill the void in other ways. I have also exchanged my wholeness for parts, giving people all of me, until I’m parts myself. So I would love to see men connect more with their emotions and our human vulnerability. You’re saying the same in the inverse, I think, that women can access a certain nonchalant power men are socialized into from jump. I totally see that, like the heel I joke about as phallic weapon. I wonder too if that power is also or more a refusal to perform a certain kind of cishet femininity that is itself disempowering, ultimately self-destructive in its selflessness. I love the dommy mommy vibe because it combines confidence and power with emotional intelligence and care.
Wow. This. I am a s_x worker & I notice most women think they’re with one of the alleged “good ones.” But that doesn’t exist.
In all of your writings, and especially this one, I love how you weave together a dozen or more ideas and stories and texts. The way your mind works is magic 🪄
Thank you Pete 😭😭😭
“A culture of collective care is apparently so unimaginable that women would rather return to the old models of chivalry.”
Boom.
Heartbreakingly true apparently!
I have nothing profound to add to this piece but your perspective on the election is refreshing and writing is so so great. Existing in the liberal echo chambers of the university makes the real world feel like a far away fantasy where institutional violence and marginalization of real people is something to be discussed in structured classrooms with other privileged individuals also disconnected from the general public. Really great stuff
Thank you! And absolutely, so so true.
Reading this was the most visceral experience I’ve had of the club since I left. It somehow made me miss it without the rose-colored glasses I’m usually wearing when I get nostalgic. You are such a thoughtful, compelling, and inspiring writer. Always rooting for you!
I went to reply to this lovely comment and ended up checking to see if I had missed any of your recent posts and love loved them!! Grateful for your words 🧡
That may be one of the best essays I have ever read on the current human condition. What a powerful and extraordinary intellect.
Wow, what a compliment! 😭 Thank you so much for reading. 💛
You need to keep writing! You have a gift!
I have been writing since literally before I could even spell “the” 😅😹
Thank you for sharing this. I am awestruck by the very, very unique intelligence you possess. A very authentic to you kind of intelligence. A kind dripping in creative genius with just enough jolting of truth to hold together the structure of your beautifully crafted story.
I am furious on your behalf that you leave the club in the red on any night!
Wow thank you so much 😭😭😭 What a lovely compliment. And leaving in the red happens rarely, thank goodness, but when it does I have a hard time not having a sob on the floor uncontrollably moment.
Well when it does happen imagine you are surrounded by women with eyes of fire…because you are. Your work and message is really, really important. You know and understand things a psychologist or marriage counselor never would.
Love this mental image ❤️🔥
this was amazing
Thank you so much 🥹💖
This is a masterpiece!
You are too kind 😭😭😭
"I like being alone. I’m not sure I like the idea of being alone forever, or dying alone. I’m not sure if it’s the being alone part or the dying part that makes me uneasy. Sometimes, in my solitary life this past year, I feel envious of friends with lovers or partners or children or close-knit families. I wonder what it feels like to be constantly surrounded by love, in a literal sense. I wonder what is wrong with me for not knowing that feeling. I fear I will never know that feeling."
Right in the guts.
Oof! That was a vulnerable moment for me as a writer, but ultimately I decided to keep it because my hope was that others who feel similarly might feel less alone in that aloneness <3
THIS!
I am also glad that you kept that paragraph, vulnerable, yes, but so definitive for no doubt so many of us. I am at the other end of the spectrum so to speak, being 66 and never having been a stripper or a sex worker but I’ve come back around to being a solitary person for the most part. I watch my brothers with their families and grandchildren and comfortable nice homes and wonder what it feels like.
I’m am both an admirer and practitioner of bleeding truths on the sidewalk. And ooof is right!
“Bleeding truths on the sidewalk” is such a gorgeous turn of phrase!
Wow what extraordinary writing. Mind blown.
Thank you so much 😭💛
Jesus H that was phenomenal. Grateful for the read.
Thank you so much! 😭💛
This was such an unreal read. Thank you so much for sharing. I kind of regret reading this before I turn the lights out because now my mind is racing.
When I first saw this comment it was truncated so I read “I kind of regret reading this before I turn the lights out” and my first thought was oh no!! Not you having nightmares of me “hovering,” “disembodied,” offering you “my parts” 🙀🤣
Hahah! That was such an interesting way to read that. It was all good. A cyclone hit last night so my mind was more focused on “if that giant fir tree falls on me then no one will be able to look after my dogs”. Anyway it’s still a great article and I’m sure I’ll be thinking about it throughout my shift.
Oh dear, well, that was my first not final thought, because apparently I’m very worried about giving people nightmares with my spectral metaphors LOLSOB. I hope you and your doggies are doing okay in the wake of the cyclone ❤️
We all escaped unscathed and the house and yard are fine thankfully. Sadly my cat got a UTI, but I’m pretty sure that wasn’t the storms fault. 💸💸💸
After getting your cats UTI taken care of...give him wet food, maybe mixed with a little water or boxed/canned milk. Being desert animals they don't drink enough....
Beautiful writing , thank you
Damn.